The Matrix Characters, Your Very Own Manual
by Possessed-Gummy-Bear-Inferno
Summary: Here are the long awaited Manuals to your favorite Matrix characters! It's a bird, it's a plane, it's not Neo, it's not the Nebuchadnezzar, it's...the sentinel! Huzzah!
1. The MarySue!

Disclaimer: Neo says "If you want to own the Matrix, go talk to the Architect."

Now before I begin I have to say that I don't hold a huge grudge against sues. In fact, I just find them so darn amusing that I've decided to dedicate my afternoon to writing a manual…

Read, enjoy the randomness, and if I forgot anything comments are welcome!

**_The Guide to Mary-Sues_ **

_**A Manual**_

(Note: Please keep Sue in packaging until you have fully read the manual.)

**Congratulations! **

You are now the new proud owner of a Mary-Sue! Finally, these elusive and hard to tame creatures have been caught and sent to people like you all around the world right to your doorstep. Before assembling your Sue, please read all instructions fully in order to get the most enjoyment out of your Sue as possible.

_**What have I ordered?**_

The creature that is currently packaged up is the most feared creature of all finfic-dom. Each Sue comes complete with her own 95 artificial/ 5 recycled material of Tragic Story specifically designed to make all other characters feel pity and forgiveness. She comes complete with-

-Mini skirt

-Revealing top

-Flawless waist-length hair

-Squeaky voice

-Her choice of weapon that she has seemed to wield in less than 2 seconds.

-IQ boosting pills

-Sharp Pointy Object (for hurting Sue if need be)

-Happy pills for your convenience.

**Note:** **There are no refunds, returns, or satisfaction guarantees.** (unless under specific conditions)** Handle at own risk… **

**_How to Assemble_**

Quite simple, really. All you need are some car keys or a knife (preferred) to open the box. When you open the box, you'll see that the Sue is currently restrained (hopefully) in a straightjacket. If not…we'll get to that.

So if the Sue is restrained you can either cut it to shreds or open the straightjacket and keep it for your own personal use. Please note that some people buy the Sue only because they want the straightjacket.

(If your Sue is not restrained in the jacket, then please sent it back and we'll kindly replace it for you with no sanity lost is the process.)

**_After Assembling_**

Once you've got your Sue free of the jacket, back away a few feet and simply observe. It is recommended to take notes of what your Sue does for the following days. Until you get used to her PMSing moments, it is NOT recommended to add any other characters to the household.

_**Added Info.**_

Sues are social creatures and need attention 24/7. They also make a wonderful gift to Anti-Sues.

_**What does my Sue like to do? **_

Each Sue is unique and different. Although Sues have short attention spans, they love to play board games such as Monopoly and Jenga. Puzzles are also another hit with Sues. Keep in mind to buy puzzles with easy designs, as Sues sill have low self-esteem if they can't find the correct piece.

For those people who love to shop-till-you-drop, there is no better companion than your very own Sue. Sues are more than happy to help you find what you need for your wardrobe (even in it means putting a dent in your savings). With unlimited energy and a never-ending love for clothes, mall shopping is the way to bond with your Sue.

**_How to Maintain your Sue_**

Of all the characters, the Sues are one of the easiest to maintain. Sues are clever creatures (how else can they wiggle their way to our favorite characters' hearts?) but if your Sue is seeming more stupid than it normally does, let her take a dose of IQ pills enclosed within the package. Depending on the level of stupidity your Sue is suffering, the IQ pills solve all problems! The doses can be found on the back of the pill bottle, but we put it here for your convenience.

-Slight stupidity- ½ of pill

-Moderate stupidity- 1 pill

-Drooling stupidity- 2 pills

-Extreme stupidity- 4 pills

-On-the-verge-of-twitching-while-drooling Stupidity- Abandon pills, use straightjacket.

(Note: If it comes is to this, put Sue in jacket and place outside. Make sure the Sue is placed in shade and that the outside temperature is between 60-82 degrees. Depending on your Sue, recovery takes between 3 to 5 hours. For faster recovery effects, place something shiny near Sue. This'll result in shouts like "OOO! Pretty object!" and so on and so forth. Your Sue may try to gnaw through jacket, but it's reinforced with….stuff…that…your Sue isn't able to gnaw through…yeah. If it's raining, snowing, hailing, etc. you can still place Sue outside. Recovery just takes longer. If hail is larger than a golf ball, grab yourself some popcorn and enjoy the show of Sue vs. Nature)

Normally, Sue handlers only experience the stupidity problems, but occasionally your Sue may have PMSing problems. If this should occur, draw a circle, and tell your Sue to find a corner and sit in it. Normally, this takes your Sue's short attention spanned mind off of her problems and is simply content with doing an impossible task (whether or not your Sue realizes it.)

If Sue realizes that "Hey! There isn't a corner to a circle!" and is still PMSing, lock her away in any type of polygonal room with food, water, and the picture of the character she is trying to win over. Recovery takes less than 30 seconds. If you happen to walk in the room and see a shrine, don't panic, it is simply Sue nature.

**_In Conclusion_**

We hope you enjoy the newest member to your family. When you and your Sue get along, feel free to add other members, particularly males if you want the front seat of a never-ending drama. If you happen to decide to want the Twin characters, the drama won't last and there will be a nice bloodstain on your floor/rug/wall or wherever the Sue met her tragic demise. If you want some good drama, though, feel free to add the Trinity character and Neo character.

Questions and/or comments? 

We'll be more than happy to answer your concerns. Our number is 1-800-click-the-review-button. XD


	2. The Twins!

Disclaimer: When I'm finished playing, I'll put 'em back in the toy box… wait. Toy box? Screw the toy box! (kicks toy box aside and places on shrine the size of the Great Pyramids.)

That's better…

_**The Owner's Guide to the Virii Twins **_

_**A Manual **_

"Multipartite viruses have a dual personality. Some are file viruses that can infect system sectors; others are system sector infectors that can infect files.

Some viruses can be all things to all machines. Depending on what needs to be infected, they can infect system sectors or they can infect files. These rather universal viruses are termed multipartite (multi-part).  
Sometimes the multipartite virus drops a system sector infector; other times a system sector infector might also infect files.  
Multipartite viruses are particularly nasty because of the number of ways they can spread. Fortunately, a good one is hard to write."

Direct quote from CKNow, an excellent 'virus info for dummies' site! -_Joules_

Note: It is HIGHLY recommended to keep twins contained in their silver boxes until reading this manual.

**Congratulations!**

You are now the new proud (and envied) owner of the Twins! Created simply by the copy and paste button, they will bring hours of entertainment to all members of your family.

Note: Bloodshed may occur.

_**What Have I Ordered?**_

Simply put, you have ordered the very best of the Merovingian's bodyguards.

They come complete with-

-Identical white clothing (comes on Twins)

-Switchblades

-Toy Cadillac Escalade (yeah, like we're sending you a 62,000 dollar vehicle…)

-Machine gun

-Hookah (or whatever that shiny silver thingy is…)

-Sunglasses (DO NOT attempt to take off…)

-Laundry detergent specifically designed for white fabric.

-Painkillers for your convenience

**Note:** **There are no refunds, returns, or satisfaction guarantees.** (unless under specific conditions)** Handle at own risk… **

**_How to Assemble_**

Almost exactly with the Mary-Sue, cut the box open with either car keys or a knife. Unlike the Mary-Sue, make sure to open the twin sets in a dimly lit area for they are prone to sunlight. When you open the boxes, you'll notice that they don't come with straightjackets. This is to ensure that they actually make it out of the box instead of being stuck there being drooled at.

(If somehow, one or both of the twins are in a jacket, don't attempt to take it off, they can manage it on their own.)

**_After Assembling_**

Once the twins are free from their respected boxes, give them a little tour of the house. Because the twins lived six versions of the matrix in a big-ass chateau, it should take less than an hour to find everything that they need. Keep in mind that YOUR favorite comfy chair might become THEIR favorite comfy chair. Until you get used to various objects being taken from you with or without your permission (ex. The comfy chair), it is NOT recommended (or smart) to attempt taking back what they've stolen. Under designated tests and research, it has been noted that _any_ attempt to take back what they have dubbed as _theirs_ faces a switchblade thrown at person. It has been noted that they are very possessive over things they own. Hopefully if you get on their good side, that possessiveness will also apply to you.

**_Added Info_**

The twins are very fond of smoking. Unless you want your house to be filled with smoke, point out to them (during the tour) to take all smoking out on the back porch. If you live in an apartment or condominium, let them smoke on the balcony. If your place doesn't have one, well…you knew what you were getting when you ordered.

(Note: any development of lung cancer is to be appointed to your doctor, not to us.)

For your own safety: do not try to separate the twins. This'll result in a nervous breakdown. Depression may ensure.

**_What do the twins like to do?_**

Other than lounging around all day and smoking, the twins are actually quite active. Do you have an annoying neighbor that blares music loudly while you sleep or has that dog that never shuts up? If it annoys you and the twins, tell them to shoot/stab said object. It normally takes less than a few minutes to clear up the annoyance. Besides assassination, they enjoy quiet games that involve logic. Bringing a chessboard into their lives is one of the quickest ways to get onto their good side. Be prepared to have values placed on the chess pieces. (Ex. If they take your queen, expect to pay them around thirty dollars and vice versa)

**_Things not to give the twins…_**

**_-_**Anything possibly explosive

**_-_**scissors

**_How to Maintain your Twins_**

-Just because they are programs, that doesn't mean you can stick some part of their anatomy into the nearest USB port and expect to download thousand of cool things onto their programming. It not only makes you look bad, but puts you on the potential "I- might-not-wake-up-the-next-morning" list. Also, refrain from glomping onto their person AT ALL TIMES! Even though they have been endowed with cool phasing abilities, that doesn't give you the right to hurt or damage them in any way. There is always that one possibility that a glomp/jump/superflyingtacklepounce might go too far and then you'll end up having your floors damaged up by a bleeding twin that can't regenerate.

-If your twins have been a family heirloom that's been passed down from generation to generation, some minor glitches are to occur such as-

-decreased reaction rates

-not being unanimous

If this problem occurs, don't fret. Just send back and we'll repair the damage at no cost to you.

MAJOR NOTE! (If you happen to bring over any of your friends that may be a potential fangirl, explain to her that wild fangirl screams are not to be tolerated and any harming of the twins _in any way_ (mentally or physically) will resort in immediate removal from property. If she's not so lucky, you'll see the fangirl in many different pieces…like a puzzle)…O.O (This also applies to each and every Mary-Sue.)

-The twins don't need food in order to survive. Although they can eat, don't force anything on them. On second note, don't bring them to your grandma's house. All they need is basic love and attention. If you give the twins their personal space, a chessboard, designated smoking locations, plenty of ammo and the occasional victim, they'll live long, satisfied lives that'll surly outlive yours (and then you can pass them down to the next generation!)

**_In Conclusion_**

We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not the most interesting) edition of your family. When you and your twins know which pieces of furniture belong to whom, feel free to add more characters. If you happen to do so, point out immediately to the new house member which items belong to the twins. (This does not apply to the Merovingian or Persephone)

A random yet important question…

Q- What if the twins take my bed?

A-Unless you have a strong bond, don't attempt to cuddle up in the middle. Go buy another bed.

Q- What if I don't want to?

A- There is a high percentage that you'll have switchblades sticking out of you. Don't worry though, the twins will be kind enough to roll your corpse off the bed before resuming their sleep. In the morning they'll drag you to the front of the house. You'll be staying there until garbage day comes.

Questions? Comments?

You know our number…

Don't deny it…

You know that button looks almost as irresistible as the twins. Click it…or no cookies for u.


	3. Neo!

Disclaimer: Yay! Halloween is just 3 weeks away! So instead of bringing out a pillow case and having it filled up with candy, I've decided to bring my AOL mailbox and have it filled up with reviews! (besides, reviews don't have calories and they make you feel as if you've just had a heap of sugar…Mmm…)

Thanks SO much to Angelus-Cantus, KillerBeas4 Brains andAnakin McFly for reviewing. Peeps review so I can give you a (hug!) too!

_

* * *

_

_The Owner's Guide to THE ONE_

_A Manual_

Congratulations!

You are the proud owner of Neo! Finally, the star of the matrix itself has arrived via Fed Ex to the front of your doorstep. Take the time to read the enclosed manual in order to obtain all the benefits that your Neo can provide.

_**What have I ordered?**_

You have ordered Superman to the power of three. Unlike the other characters, Neo's not only delivered in a box, but it comes complete with a nice red bow on top that spans the length of four feet. He comes complete with ALL of the following:

-Super cool sunglasses

-Black trench coat

-A dozen cookies the Oracle sent him before arriving at your house (Taking them would be suicide)

-An Agent Smith voodoo doll.

-Trinity plushie

-Stick on plugs for your own amusement.

-Spoon

Any attempt at taking either the third or fifth item will result in a gruesome death that'll rival that of a spork homicide…'Nuff said…

**How to Assemble**

Just because the One is special, that doesn't mean his confinement (box) has to be. All that's needed to open the box are a pair of scissors and your hands. Open carefully and with caution, so as not to startle Neo in his new environment. Upon opening, back away to let Neo have some space. For some new owners, Neo may start doing his 'superman thing,' but don't worry people, he's just stretching his cramped muscles.

_**After Assembling**_

Once he settles down, all you have to do is escort him to his room. There's no need to show him around the house because he already toured it while flying. During his stay at your house, you'll notice that Neo will ask for your permission before sitting on any furniture that may seem valuable to you. You have no need to fear that Neo will abduct your favorite comfy chair OR bed. The only thing in danger of abduction is Trinity (if you even add her to the family).

**_Added Info_**

Neo gets traumatized if he sees anything resembling the glop aboard the Nebuchadnezzar. Therefore, serving grits or mashed potatoes is a no-no…If served any of these items during a feast, family reunion or what-not, your Neo will pale significantly and will politely ask to be excused for the remainder of the time period. It is therefore noted that adding Mouse to the family will result in a hostile environment around the dinner table.

**_What does Neo like to do?_**

Hack, hack, and more hacking. Unless you want to be held responsible for 12.48 million dollars missing from Opera's account, any computer within Neo distance is susceptible to being the prime area of the hacking genius. It is **_extremely _**unwise to put or place a computer in Neo's room. Even if it's a stone age Windows 95, your Neo has enough patience for the thing to start, load and occasionally crash. If you want to spend quality time with the One, that means parting with your dear computer and throwing it outside. Every now and then, Neo will arrive home late at night. What does this mean?

-He's been at your neighbor's house hacking on their computer…

OR

-a Neo-crazed fangirl got a hold of your phone number, called when you weren't home, and bribed him with an whole day of hacking fun.

Unless you want this to continue, we strongly recommend that you lock all doors and place motion detectors outside. It is also wise to murder any fangirls within a 50-mile radius.

Other than that, if he's depressed or feeling bored, he'll occasionally whip out his Agent Smith voodoo doll and prick it with shiny needles. At this time, it is wise to refrain from bothering Neo…There are some days when he just needs a little 'me-time'.

Sometimes during the hours of night, he'll take out his Trinity doll and cuddle with it. ( XD) Please note that this information is to be kept confidential because Neo has dignity, pride and an ego that needs to maintain its reputation. If Neo does something that Neo shouldn't have done, just take a picture off him snugglin' with the doll and post it on the Internet. You'll notice a significant improvement in no time at all.

**_How to Maintain your Neo_**

With Neo, there really is nothing to maintain. Just make sure that you do the following and your Neo will appreciate you for however long you keep it up.

-Have breakfast, lunch, and dinner on the table everyday at consistent times. Under designated psychological studies at General Mills, Mr. Anderson likes to have his breakfast EXACTLY at 7:16. There is no evidence why this time has been chosen.

-Make sure that you don't use all the hot water.

-At least once a day, have Neo go outside and jog around the perimeter of your household/apartment/condo/box.

**Note:** Flying is only recommended when people are not in sight.

-If his voodoo doll or Trinity doll get torn to shreds due to overuse, replace immediately. DO NOT throw the old ones away, especially the Trinity doll. Severe beating will occur.

**_In Conclusion_**

We hope that you enjoy the newest (and most sought after) member of your family. If you feel as if Neo wants a friend, we recommend the following characters:

-Morpheus

-Link

-Trinity

The Architect is not recommended.

If you want some juicy drama within the household, feel free to add the Trinity and Mary-Sue characters. For intense drama, add Persephone to the mix.

Thank you for reading the manual, you may now open the box. Refrain from accidentally strangling self with ribbon. We are not held accountable for any injuries on your part.

* * *

If you click a certain button, Neo will magically appear and give you a nice, big bear hug…if you're not so lucky, a pop up screen will appear and you will be compelled to fill in the blank spaces. It'll also make a certain authoress ecstatic and update faster! Hugs, cookies, candy and Neo all around!

Neo: I feel so used…


	4. Morpheus!

Disclaimer: I'm so sorry for not updating! Forgive me wonderful reviewers, Houston had a storm and knocked out da power lines for a week. (tear) no internet connection. Oh yeah, I just found out that Morpheus was the god of dreams in Greek mythology. Sweet…

And he's way cooler than Mr. Sandman…

**H.UgS!** to those that reviewed. I love you all! Help yourself to the cookies in the corner of the screen!

And to the unfortunate person whose 'computer was being dumb' Here's its own review space! Thanks! But this review was too good to delete, so I just put it here!

_Inara Cabot_

_hello! my computer is being dumb so i couldn't leave a review on the story so i'm leaving it here instead!_

_(take that microsoft!)  
you know how funny you are! you know how great you are so i'll just... laugh at you for getting coconut shampoo in your eyes!_

_ha!_

_heh._

So without further hesitation--

**_The Owner's Guide to Morpheus _**

**_A Manual _**

-

Note: It is recommended to keep Morpheus stationed in his box until after reading this manual.

**Congratulations!**

You are now the new, proud owner of the legendary captain of the Nebuchadnezzar! (I think I hurt myself trying to spell that.) Unfortunately, he doesn't come with a huge hovercraft, but he does come with a personality that everyone is bound to enjoy!

Note: Do not poke…do not prod…do not attempt to steal sunglasses or tie.

**_What have I ordered_**?

You have ordered one of the most sought after crewmembers aboard the Neb. From Kung Fu to surfin' on 18-wheelers, Morpheus has it all…and has been delivered to your front doorstep.

Morpheus comes complete with:

-Clothing

-Shiny samurai sword

-Sunglasses (It took me months to figure out how they stayed on his face)

-Tylenol liquid caps (will explain later in Added Info)

-Toy Nebuchadnezzar

-Agent punching bags

-Niobe plushie

**Note:** **There are no refunds, returns, or satisfaction guarantees.** (unless under specific conditions)** Handle at own risk… **

**_How to Assemble_**

Unlike the other characters, Morpheus comes in a Nebuchadnezzar shaped box. When you walk towards the starboard side of the ship, you'll notice a little red button…Push that button. Afterwards, the box will unfold itself. Before opening the box, make sure that all children, animals or anything that Morpheus considers scary (furbies, tickle-me-elmos, tellitubbies, etc.) or is a potential threat is out of the area.

**_After Assembling_**

Once the box is opened, Morpheus may get out and roam around a bit in order to explore his new environment. Make sure that his room is spic and span and that a computer is nuzzled into a corner. If you happen to own the Neo character at the same time, sit down with Morpheus and Neo and have a little conversation along these lines-

"Neo, no hacking while Morpheus is out."

"Morpheus, no strangling Neo if he's on your computer playing games." (Note- Neo has a fetish for minesweeper…)

Hopefully, your Neo and Morpheus will agree on some designated computer times, but if Neo is insistent on hacking into Keanu's bank account via Morpheus's computer, don't be afraid to take drastic measures.

**_Added Info_**

As noted previously, Morpheus comes complete with Tylenol Liquid Caps. Only you know that though and we intend for it to stay that way. Morpheus believes that those liquid caps are actually the red and blue pills designed to be given right after his "What is Reality?" speech. There are times that Morpheus may feel compelled to strap you into a random chair and give you the long, monotonous speech. Afterwards you are presented with the pills. If we had given Morpheus the real deal, you would've been forced to swallow something you ain't supposed to be swallowing because that is some funky stuff/shit going into you. So to make it safe (and to cure that headache you got from listening to him talking), we gave Morpheus Tylenol Liquid Caps. If you happen to have the heart to tell him that his precious red and blue pills are bootlegged, he'll just deny it, which, if you have the Architect character, will be accompanied by the phrase, "Denial is the most predictable of all human characteristics." Secretly, Morpheus will feel ashamed of himself because he can't show his newest family members what the Matrix is. Hopefully, you may get the trilogy and show it to him. The pill problem is solved and normal life is resumed.

**_What does Morpheus like to do?_**

Noted in the Added Info section, Morpheus loves to give his little speeches especially around the dinner table. To some, his speeches are more effective than an overdose of sleeping pills. We recommend said people to politely leave the table and eat somewhere else. And for those who enjoy his speeches, just listen and don't interrupt. If you're lucky, you might just get one of his rare "Get-Out-Of-Listening-To-Speech-Free" cards.

Other than bothering people with long conversations, Morpheus likes to read the newspaper ever morning from 7 to 8 accompanied with breakfast (just toast and coffee and occasionally some orange juice.) If Mr. Anderson is at the table also, conversation is bound to be pleasant and the morning smooth.

**Note: **Neo, Trinity and Niobe are the ideal table breakfast partners for Morpheus. The Merovingian, Twins, and Agents are not recommended in Morpheus's mornings. Listed below are the reasons. These following descriptions have been recorded under intense scrutiny by our lab experts.

-_Merovingian_- although he CAN be compatible with the Merovingian, they'll start a tedious argument over who has the most long-winded speeches. To make sure that this doesn't happen, the Architect is recommended. When it comes to the use of the English language, the Architect is the master.

-_Twins_- Not exactly the first thing Morpheus wants to see in the morning (and vice versa), he will most likely have to eat his breakfast with extreme caution. The twins are fond of poisoning other people's food with the latest drug.

-_Agents_-Will attempt to change Morpheus into one of their kind.

Apart from his meticulous dining habits, Morpheus has a passion for taking walks around the neighborhood and assembling machinery. Make sure not to give him cars. He will attempt to change them into hovercrafts.

**_How to Maintain Morpheus _**

Just like Neo, there really is nothing to maintain. Just have food ready everyday and have the house clean 24/7. There are going to be some days when Morpheus is in dire need of company. You can only provide so much, but he would prefer to talk to someone that's been in his crew throughout the Matrix trilogy. Extreme cases of him lacking a social life will result in him talking to his Niobe doll. Sometimes he may even respond back to himself in a squeaky high-pitched voice. If you happen to stumble across these signs, don't snatch away the doll, just pick up the phone and order any one of the crewmembers.

**_In Conclusion_**

We hope you gladly enjoy the newest member of your family tree. It is recommended that you order another character to keep Morpheus company. If you don't want to, that's fine. All the more to have Morpheus to yourself. XD

* * *

Hmmm. This isn't as great as some of the others, but sometime I'll come around and add more, delete a bit here and a little there. It's 1:43 in the morning and my eyes are having a hard time staying open. I actually tried tape...that just suceeded in poking my eye out. Me go night-night... 

Oh yeah, Halloween is just one week away! When you review, you get a 2 hugs for 1 special! and a delighted squeal from the authoress. Yup..my last braincell popped outta my head. Must go scavenge for it...(accidentally runs over it in rollie chair)


	5. The Matrix!

Disclaimer: Yay! All you reviewers have made my day! As a reward for your contributions, I proudly present--

-

_**The Owner's Guide to the Matrix**_

**_A Manual_**

-

**Note**: Keep box in a top-secret location before and after reading this manual. In order to obtain the full benefits of this wonderful device, please take 10 minutes to read manual thoroughly.

Matrix not made in China…

**-**

**Congratulations!**

You are now the new proud owner of the Matrix! Although this may be the best thing to ever happen in your lifetime, it significantly decreases your chances of living past 60. The reasons are explained below.

**_What Have I Ordered?_**

You have ordered the very thing people will hold wars over. Because you own the most sought after item in all of Matrix-dom, prepare to receive anything from blackmail to house-break-ins by people carrying AK-47s. Although your life is in danger while you possess this valuable item, we're all going to die anyways. Might as well die happy! (And with everyone knowing that YOU owned the Matrix.)

The Matrix comes complete with:

-Characters

-Additional storage space in case you want to add anything

-Everything seen in the trilogies down to the last steak billboard ad (noticed that while watching the car scene chase in Reloaded. I believe it had a cow on it…)

**_How to Assemble_**

The Matrix disk comes packaged in a green box with the Matrix code scrolling down the sides. It's loaded with Styrofoam and bubble wrap to ensure its safe passage from our company to your house. To open, use scissors or a knife. Keep in mind to open the box slowly unless you want to suffocate in an avalanche of Styrofoam and bubble wrap.

(Note: This has happened to some owners who believe that they were too good enough to read the manual. Those that died had their Matrix disks transported back to the company.)

**_After Assembling_**

Once the product is freed from its respective packaging; lightly brush off the remaining packing noodles. Carefully turn the CD over and check for any possible scratches. Once cleaned and checked, discard the box and all of its trash in the nearest garbage bin. Then go to your computer and place the Matrix CD into the CD drive. Once in, a little pop-up screen will appear asking you if you want to install. Click yes. You'll then notice the files downloading and may take approximately a day or so to fully download. The Matrix can be downloaded onto any computer day or night. When downloading, make sure that all other programs are not running. Running programs interfere with the downloading progress and may extend the time it takes to effectively download.

**_Added Info_**

Because you now own the Matrix (and all of humanity) on your computer, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT turn it off. This'll result in the Matrix world coming to a standstill, followed by a cataclysmic crash. Your days as a proud Matrix owner are gone…nullified…nonexistent and all you'll be left with is a blank screen and a small red flashing light. Keep in mind that the Matrix CANNOT be reinstalled. Just wrap up the CD and mail it back to us. We'll happily give you a full refund. Afterwards, you can go back to a normal life and pretend nothing happened.

**_How to Maintain the Matrix_**

Maintaining the Matrix is very costly and will put a significant dent in your wallet unless you happen to be a millionaire or billionaire. Because you are unable to turn off the computer while the Matrix is running, your electricity bill will skyrocket. In addition, you must keep in mind to update new programs and see to it that everything is in balance. If you are unsure about how to operate the Matrix, get the Architect A.S.A.P and _please_ do not press any of these buttons-

-Ctrl+Alt+Delete

-Escape

-Delete

-The power button

**_In Conclusion_**

We hope that owning the Matrix is well worth it. It's not everyday that you get to control humanity, spy on people (via Architect's multi TV's) and fiddle around with important programming. Some side affects of the Matrix include extreme swelling of ego and abuse of power. To see if you're worthy of such power and responsibility, call us at 1-800-Review. The Matrix costs vary upon demand and availability.

Q- Am I able to transport myself to the Matrix?

Fortunately or unfortunately- NO. The only way of effective way to transport yourself is by dreaming. Anyways, if you _could _transport yourself, you have no operator to get your butt out of there. In addition, you need all of the equipment and you yourself would've had to have been plugged in the Matrix at some time (Unless you want to stick a long pointy needle up into your brain cavity thinking that you'll come out alive.)

Q- What if the Matrix isn't for me?

Quite simple. Just send us back your Matrix CD and then resume your normal life. If you're lucky, we'll send you a Sims game. Although you don't get to play with real people, the Sims is less complex and easier to understand. The Sims is truly the Matrix for dummies.

* * *

-

Because I'm not able to own the Matrix, I pretend with all my heart that the Sims2 University is. I actually have Neo, Trinity, a few characters from Interview with the Vampire, 2 from Inuyasha and one from Naruto…I recently downloaded Matrix pajama pants…How f'in cool is that?

Don't worry people, I'll get back to typing about characters. This thought just popped into my head when coconut shampoo got into my eye…I don't know _how_…but it did…perhaps if I do that again I'll get another idea. Or I'll just go blind. That tear-free label is a lie…A LIE I TELL YOU!!!

Lies….

XD

15 seconds of your free time results in a blinding smile from the authoress. Here are some matrix sunglasses for your protection.


	6. The Architect?

Thanks everybody for reviewing! It has inspired me to get off my butt and write more!

Disclaimer: Since the Author is out eating ramen this disclaimer has been brought to you by the Merv and Twins.

Merovingian: (kicks twins) Come on! Zis is ze Disclaimer! We mustn't disappoint ze Author!

Twins: (mumble incoherently)

Merovingian: What was zat?

Twins: (sigh) Author doesn't own the matrix.

Merovingian: Good…Now, since zat's over with, I want you two to get your albino asses off ze chair and get ze Keymaker!

Twins: "…"

Merv: (vein pops out of temple) Well? What are you two waiting for? A red carpet for your exit?

"…"

Merv: (exasperated sigh while rubbing temples) "_Please_ don't tell me zat ze Keymaker stole your car keys again…"

(no comment)

Merv: (eye twitches) "I swear! How on earth did ze Wachowski brothers _put up_ with you two? It's only because zey _own_ you zat you've avoided being tortured by fan girls!" (points to a random pit containing screaming and fainting fan girls.)

"Oh…what am I saying…screw ze keys, just go hotwire ze darn escalade."

And that's how the car scene chase came to be…XD

Please pardon the shortness of this chapter. I hardly know enough info about the dude to write a full, complete, detailed manual. But none-the-less, it's all good.

**_The Owner's Guide to the Architect_**

_**A Manual**_

_NOT RECOMMENDED FOR PEOPLE WITH A.D.H.D_!

Note: Please keep Architect in box until after you've finished reading the manual and memorizing at least 20 percent of your dictionary. It will come in handy when conversations are bound.

**Congratulations!**

You are now the new proud owner of the great and blindingly white architect! The very being that created the Matrix (and all its lovable programmed characters) has finally arrived under your roof! This day will definitely have a special place on your timeline.

_**What Have I Ordered?**_

You have ordered the dude that is 24/7-ly (new word!) surrounded by mini TV's. From there, in his little white room, he sees all…Hopefully, your new added member will significantly increase your English vocabulary. The mathematical genius comes complete with all of the following:

-Annoying clicky-pointer pen.

-White swivel chair (with 85 percent more swivel)

-Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary- eleventh edition

-White business suit and a black tie. (Will arrive with architect) (hopefully) (smirk)

-Aspirin (to help reduce brain cramps)

**Note:** **There are no refunds, returns, or satisfaction guarantees.** (unless under specific conditions)** Handle at own risk… **

**_How to Assemble_**

Unlike the other characters, there is NOTHING to assemble here. When you glance toward the pristine white box, you'll notice a big red button that says "Exert pressure by finger here." (in other words-push) When pressed, the box will unfold itself. Keep in mind to stand at least five feet away from box while it unfolds.

_Note_: Please excuse the bright light and angel voices.

**_After Assembling_**

Once the light has dimmed and the voices diminished, you will be greeted the sight of the all-powerful architect sitting in his all-powerful chair. The first words to escape his mouth will be " I've been waiting for you…" followed by a looooong speech that would have put Morpheus to shame. Besides talking, he doesn't really do much and doesn't have a preference for his environment. Lazy people and games freaks, the Architect will be your best friend.

**_Added Info_**

Once he's been living in your house for a day or two, you'll notice that he never leaves his chair. Not once. Because of this, especially around Christmas time, little children love to sit in his lap thinking he's Santa Clause wearing a white outfit instead of red. Please note that if this does happen, remove said children at once. The Architect has a patience span of a heartbeat and will not hesitate to take drastic measures in order to get the children off his person.

(A/N- I can easily picture a little child on his lap saying "Santa? Can I have the Matrix for Christmas?")

**_What does the Architect like to do?_**

-Making others feel inferior in the knowledge department.

-Watching TV

-Swiveling in his chair

-Eating the Oracle's cookies

and

-playing the Sims (because the Wachowski brothers took away his ownership over the Matrix.)

**_How to Maintain the Architect_**

Maintaining the Architect is a simple task. He doesn't need his own personal quarters, he doesn't need to eat, and he doesn't really demand any form of entertainment. So once that box is opened, you can just roll him via his chair into a corner and just leave him be. Because of his almost non-existent maintenance, owners tend to forget that the Architect is in their home. His presence is quickly realized when owners trip over his leg while trying to forage for a midnight snack.

**_In Conclusion_**

We hope you enjoy the newest (if not the most intelligent) member of your family. In order to keep relations happy between you and the Architect, remember to never underestimate him. He may not have fancy kung-fu moves like Morpheus, the scorpion kick like Trinity or the recklessness of the twins' driving, but that doesn't mean he doesn't know how to wield that clicky pointer pen. Trust us, it's more than for show or for flippin' channels on the mini-TVs.

Remember, when the box unfolds and the angel voices sound out, that is NOT the 'Light.' Do not go towards it, you will end up being squashed flat by the unfolding box and then the Architect doesn't get the pleasure of saying "I've been waiting for you…" That is his purpose in life…

* * *

Somebody ought to do a "Whose Line is it, anyway" matrix style. I haven't seen the show in ages, so I basically forgot what it was about. If anybody wants to write about this topic, go ahead. I'd enjoy reading it! 

If you have those sunglasses I gave u last chapter, you're gonna need them. If you review, that smile should be able to light up an entire city!

Coming up next- either Trinity or Agent Smith!


	7. Long Awaited Agent Smith!

Disclaimer: (hands appears out of dirt dramatically) Yes! It is I! I am NOT DEAD! I've just been _muy perezosa_ about updating.

Without further ado I present the most worn out superhero saying in all of Earth-dom- have no fear because AGENT SMITH is HERE!

_**

* * *

**_

_**The Owner's Guide to Agent Smith**_

_**A Manual**_

Note: It is HIGHLY recommended to keep Smith contained in his box until reading this manual.

**Congratulations!**

You are now the new proud owner of the awesome Agent Smith! The Smith contained in the box may or may not be the _true _Smith, but what the heck! Since when do you get to own a Smith clone?

Note: Calling him Smithy-poo, Smithy-kins or anything relating to or sounding close to a pet name will guarantee you an 80 percent chance of dying within the hour. The other 20 percent is dying within the day.

_**What Have I Ordered?**_

If you don't remember…you ordered Agent Smith…I swear, people just don't check what they order these days…

Smith comes complete with:

-Sunglasses

-Business outfit

-20 dollar gift certificate to the nearest dry cleaners.

-Shoe polisher

-a big vocabulary

-a passion for owning e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

**Note:** **There are no refunds, returns, or satisfaction guarantees.** (unless under specific conditions)** Handle at own risk…**

**_How to Assemble_**

Agent Smith is special. In fact, because he's so special, he comes delivered to you in a plain brown box with a hint of a dirt smudge on the lower left hand corner. Because of the box's simplicity, the method of opening should be simple too. Forget the knives or the scissors. Just your bare hands will do. But don't be deceived. Although the box may be simple to the naked eye, the person inside is the exact opposite. Many owners don't want to deal with Smith's changing attitude, so they just leave him in said box. Those that want to take the risk of setting a Smith lose within their home are those that're either dumb or risk takers. Agent Smith is not for the people who sleep all day. He might just change you in your sleep…(insert dramatic music)

**_After Assembling_**

Once you decided that you'd take the "Agent Smith Risk" (abbreviated ASR) and opened the box, just introduce yourself and any family members.

**Note:** It is not wise to have any members living within your household. If you do something to tick off Smith, his most likely revenge is to change your sweet aunt Betty into a superawesomevirusclone. If you happen to have cats or dogs, keep an eye out for them too. Smith was wondering whether he can change animals to human clones.

After introductions are completed and checked off your invisible to-do list, go into the kitchen and make Smith a cup of coffee, preferably Maxwell. Afterwards, just go about your daily business.

**_Added Info_**

Simple and to the point…Smith enjoys reading the newspaper in the mornings accompanied with his coffee. It is recommendable (if you haven't already) to buy a comfy leather recliner chair. If you happen to own the twins and they claim that the comfy chair is theirs, tell them that you'll buy another one. This has save countless Twin/Smith owners from potential virus chaos.

**_What does Agent Smith like to do?_**

If you've seen the movies, it shouldn't take a genius to figure out that he wants _everything._ (even that test paper marked 50 under your bed.) Besides never being able to achieve that goal, he likes to watch the news and spend time with his other Agent Pals. This is all that has been noted by scientific research.

_**How to Maintain your Agent**_

-As noted with the twins, it is not possible to download things onto his programming. Virus or not, he will kick ass if you even suggest installing more megabytes into his person.

-Smith is very picky when it comes to his clothing. In order to maintain your Smith in the best appearance as possible, make sure to have his suits dry cleaned every so often and have his pants ironed.

-Make sure his toast is well done and the eggs scrambled. Bacon not needed.

-As an added note- if he's feeling a bit down, give him coffee.

**_In Conclusion_**

We hope you enjoy the newest (if not the coolest) edition of your family. Smith is a solitary creature and prefers to be left to his own devices. If you're thinking of adding more characters to the family, consult with your Agent. Attempting to bring in a Neo, Trinity or Morpheus character spells red flags and disasters. If you happen to be a millionaire and don't mind your house being torn down from time to time, then now's the perfect time to add a member of the resistance under your roof. Open box and enjoy.

* * *

There...I did it...that wasn't so hard... 

Don't hurt me Trinity fans! She's coming up next! (hands out Trinity dolls in 'spare-me-please-don't-kill-me' bargain.)

I'm curious, do you reviewers prefer long or short manuals?


	8. Trinity!

This Disclaimer has been brought to you by the Oracle!

Oracle: Well look at you my dear…all grown up.

P-G-B-I: (sweatdrop)

Oracle: You want a cookie? (cookie tray appears)

P-G-B-I: O.O! COOKIES!!!! (latches onto tray)

Oracle: .

(munches)

Oracle: (evil grin)

ACK! They're poisoned! YOU POISONED THE COOKIES! Y- (falls over) XO

Oracle: I'm sorry dear, but I can't let you own the Matrix…

* * *

And now I present the month long awaited… 

_**The Owners Guide to Trinity**_

_**A Manual**_

_**Congratulations!**_

You are now the new proud owner of Trinity! For a few, Trinity is the best 'starter' character (after the Architect) and will provide an equal amount of enjoyment and frustration for everyone. Please read manual to obtain everything that your Trinity has to offer.

_(Note: Free bubble wrap included underneath box)_

_**What Have I Ordered?**_

You have ordered Wonder Woman's arch-rival. Take caution while handling.

Items Included- 

-Sunglasses

-Shiny black outfit

-Toy Cadillac CTS

-Toy motorcycle

-Hair gel (replace _immediately_ when depleted)

-Neo plushie

-Cell phone

-Morpheus figurine

_**How to Assemble**_

Difficulty rating- Stupidly easy

-Grab nearest sharp object, stab box along duct tape and saw open. Please note to use small knives when stabbing box. It is known (and proven) that Trinity has a lethal kick when angry.

When opening the box, the only mess created is by the packing foam. Simply clean it up and discard the box or keep it for later use.

**_After Assembling_**

After Trinity gets removed or removes herself from the box and packing noodles, introduce yourself, your surroundings and any possible characters currently living under your roof. Afterwards, give Trinity a 'brief' tour of your home. One of the last stops you ought to make is by her room. After you tell her that the tour has ended, she will disappear into her room and send "Wake up Neo, the Matrix has you…" type of messages obviously to Neo. (This doesn't happen if you currently own him.)

It is noted that Trinity enjoys her own room with a Spartan appearance. To Trinity, a room is just another place to wait until she gets to go out and kick program butt.

_**What does Trinity like to do?**_

Besides glomping Neo at random occasions and threatening other male characters with…threats…Trinity enjoys dancing, shopping, and completing missions (car chase explained below.) Attempting to throw away her shiny black outfit will result in you being the primary target of anything shiny and sharp. Many owners don't like her choice of clothing, but that is one default in Trinity that can't be changed.

_**(Random yet Important Added Info)**_

If you happen to own a Cadillac CTS there's a high percentage that Trinity may borrow your car without permission. If you happen to be a Cadillac freak and have the one and only Cadillac Escalade EXT (plus twins) you've got yourself a full-fledged car scene chase (which'll only last the length of your neighborhood, hopefully.) Just pop yourself out on the front lawn with a bowl of popcorn and enjoy the front row view.

_Warning: Risks are as follows-_

_- There is a chance you may get shot by stray bullets._

_-May get run over by either Cadillac vehicle (most likely the EXT due to the Twins failing their mission again and needing to take their frustrations out on something or someone…) _

Since the Keymaker isn't out yet, you can get a life-size (but not a lifetime) Keymaker blow-up doll to add detail to the chase.

Having a Keymaker blow-up doll will prove immensely satisfying as a punching bag or just another collectible item to be added to your collection. Although the only drawback on a blow-up is the risk of being popped with said prefix of Keymaker.

(Note: Keymaker doll only good for **_ONE_** car scene chase only)

**_How to Maintain your Trinity_**

To maintain Trinity for the years to come, keep Trinity away from electrical plugs/sockets, the Twins, and anything that may be potentially rabid. If this includes you, notify us A.S.A.P so we may inject Trinity with a rabies shot before she gets sent to your doorstep.

**_In Conclusion_**

We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not the most confusing) character within the Matrix.

Questions such as "Why does she insist on wearing that type of outfit?" or "Is Trinity a guy or a girl?" should NOT be directed to us. If so, you will be severely beaten with a stick.

Q: My Trinity has recently dumped Neo and hooked up with the Twins. What should I do?

A: You pack your bags and run FAR AWAY. If you're lucky, the fight will last no longer than a few days. Hopefully your house/apartment/condo/trailer will still be intact by the time they finish. You'll be lucky if the door is still on its hinges.

Q: My Neo has dumped Trinity for Persephone, what should I do?

A: Same as above, but stay away from the place of your residence for a week or so.

* * *

Review... 

Shouldn't that be a rhetorical command?

Now THIS I'm definitely gonna have to have some stuff added in. The hardest part about writing Trinity was that there's TONS of info about her. Just which info should be added? Also, since Trinity isn't really one of my favorites, I found it harder to do this manual than any of the others.

Your input shall equal an unblemished, de-poisoned cookie from the Oracle! (and a glomp by me, too!)


	9. Holy bleep! It's the Mero!

Disclaimer: Ok Ok…I admit it..I haven't felt like writing in over three months. This is due to my laziness and reviewing other stories. Good news is that I've submitted over 235 reviews to this site…I think at a thousand I get a hug from Neo and some pocket lint.

The only time I own the Matrix is in my dreams. Reality isn't so friendly…(sees lawyers phasing through walls) (Lawyers advance in my direction)

Why WOULD I want to own the Matrix? All it is is some computer program which contains every cool program and almost every human on earth..wait…now that I type it I kinda DO feel like owning it. But sadly the Wachowksi bros called dibs on it first.

_**

* * *

**_

_**The Owner's Guide to the Merovingian **_

_**A Manual **_

_**Congratulations!**_

You are now the new proud owner of the arrogant Frenchman! Finally the Mero has been sedated (courtesy of Persephone), packaged up and delivered to your front doorstep. Upon containment, we noticed that the Mero and his ego couldn't be contained in a simple 4 by 5 box. Therefore, when delivered, you'll notice a big box titled _Live Merovingian_ (with three holes poked in the upper left hand corner on everyside) and then six smaller boxes labeled _ego- this side up._

_**What Have I Ordered?**_

You've basically ordered the living, walking and breathing definition of arrogance…French version.

The Merovingian comes complete with-

-An ego that puts every macho man to shame…and then some.

-Plastic Le Vrai 'doll house'

-Persephone figurine

-French/English translator

-Hit List (Keymaker scratched out for your convenience.)

-Every Hot wheel Cadillac figurine known.

-'Orgasmic cake'

-Life-size cardboard stand-up models of Cain and Abel.

-Photo of the twins with their first kill (Note: picture is graphic. Keep out of child viewing distance)

**Note:** **There are no refunds, returns, or satisfaction guarantees.** (unless under specific conditions)** Handle at own risk…**

**_How to Assemble_**

When assembling the Mero, please take note of the ego boxes that come with him. Assembling the Mero (a.k.a- just getting him out of his box) is rather straight forward, but the ego boxes need to be treated with caution. Upon opening said boxes you'll notice a bluish/purple blob of ego that floats as soon as it's released.

(A/N- Kind of like those blobish things in the haunted castle in the Mario games)

It's wise not to hover over the box once it's opened… or you may just get a faceful of the Merv's ego. We know for a fact that the blob contains 30 percent pride, 40 percent arrogance, 20 percent blue-ish purple dye and 10 percent hydrogen (for the floaty effect.)

**Note:** The Ego is _not_ a toy.

**_After Assembling_**

Once the Mero is out of his confinement and thesix little blobs are floating happily about your home, allow the Mero to get acquainted with any residences or other characters. The Mero should get along just fine with Persephone and the twins…but that's about it. Having Neo within the premises will result in a bloodbath of kung-fu, I-can-stop-bullets-in-midair, and blob fighting. (Ego blobs are used as the Mero's last resort of protection and travel at a constant rate of 2mph.) If you don't own Neo, you can just skip the whole fight scene and proceed to the next title…thingy.

_**Added Info**_

None that we know of…it might just scare you away….muha.

**_What does the Mero like to do?_ **

Other than being a smirking dude that puts everything to do with France to shame, he doesn't do much more than that. As long as there is a constant stream of French food going to him and the occasional 'orgasmic cake' getting consumed by some random woman, he'll be just fine. Having the Merovingian in your household does have it's benefits and drawbacks.

Benefit- Knows every fine French restaurant in your city or town. Gets a special discount at said restaurant because he's the one and only Mero.

Drawbacks- Those days the Mero doesn't feel like eating out, you'll be coughing up a lot of cash in order to prepare him French cuisines.

**_Things not to give the Mero…_**

-Your attitude

-Any food other than French

-Severed limbs from victims that the twins/bodyguards killed.

-Flowers.

-The Matrix….

**_How to Maintain your Merovingian…_**

Every four days or so it is especially important to iron all of the Merovingian's suits and to make sure that his ego blobs get a good scrub down in the bath to rid them of dust. If your Mero is feeling a little down or is just plain bored, send him to Hel with a kitchen load of 'special cake.' If that doesn't perk him up, then something is wrong. Send back (with ego) to the address 000 Imaginary Rd.

**_In Conclusion_**

We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not the coolest and most irritating) edition of your family. As the months progress, you should get used to his personality. The first few weeks are hell on earth, but then you ought to get accustomed to it. Merovingian has _ego_ in his name and we sure hope that you know what you got yourself into…

* * *

The authoress is not here right now, so at the sound (or rather sight) of the beep please leave a review...Pocky waits on the other side...

BEEP!!!


	10. The Oracle and her assistant?

Disclaimer: The penguins have stolen my sanity, thus…I have nothing witty to type.

(Sees penguin discreetly running by)

_**The Owner's Guide to the Oracle!**_

_**A Manual**_

**Congratulations!**

You are now the new proud owner of the Oracle! This friendly program, known for having a "penchant for smoking cigarettes and baking cookies", has finally arrived! Restrain yourself from opening the box for just a moment and read the following instructions.

_**What Have I Ordered?**_

You have ordered the Oracle (surprise, surprise!) Trust us, we know you didn't order her for her physic abilities. If you ended up receiving an Agent Smith, don't fret. Simply kick a few times and wait **patiently** for the program to get adjusted.

The Oracle comes complete with:

-Pack of cigarettes

-Cookie trays

-The Betty Crocker Cookie Book

-An ashtray that has a picture of the Architect on the bottom.

-Pictures of Spoon boy and the other potentials

-Seraph

-The Pillsbury Doughboy (come on, as if you can't picture the Doughboy on her shoulder helpin' her bake cookies…and who can resist poking his tummy?) **Note**: Proceed to _**Added Info **_for more details on the Pillsbury Doughboy.

**Note:** **There are no refunds, returns, or satisfaction guarantees.** (Unless under specific conditions)** Handle at own risk… **

_**How to Assemble**_

When you first receive your delivery, you'll notice that there are two boxes. Don't think that we sent you two characters by mistake. One box contains the Oracle while the other (smaller) box contains her cooking utensils. Unfortunately, her box doesn't come with some fancy high-tech button…Oracle or not. Her simplicity is obviously stated on her plain box. Before you open it, you'll notice that there are small burn holes, which are randomly scattered around the box. Said holes were caused by her cigarettes.

_**After Assembling**_

Once you've got everything and everyone out of their designated boxes, the first thing you need to do is help the Oracle put away her cooking utensils. While doing so, point out the various items in the kitchen and show her how your oven works. Also point out the do's and don'ts (ex. Smoking in the house, getting flour and eggshells everywhere, etc.) From now on, it's the Oracle that rules (and runs) the kitchen.

**_Added Info_**

If other characters are present in the household, it should be _strongly_ noted that the Doughboy is very prone to bribery. Don't be surprised if your little Doughboy is receiving money under the table

**Note:** This is partially because the commercials don't pay enough.

If you plan on seeing your Doughboy live his life thoroughly as the Oracle's little assistant, it would be advisable not to own: the Merovingian, the Twins or Agent Smith. These three programs pose a threat to the Doughboy's person and may reduce the Oracle's baking efficiency. The reasons are as follows.

The Merovingian-this is the least threatening of the three. The only real concern with him is making sure that his blobs don't catch the Doughboy at unawares. The Doughboy is so light that if he walks into a blob, he'll be trapped in there unless… a.) he forces his way out… _or… _b.) you pop the ego (which will likely end up with a pissed off Merv.)

The blobs can also be used as a discipline device. If the Doughboy doesn't live up to your standards or he caused burning to your cookies, simply find a floating blob and stick him in it. This is also a great source of entertainment.

The Twins-almost as dangerous as Agent Smith, the Twins radiate a continuous threat to the Doughboy's well being. They are also the most persuasive and bribery isn't far off the horizon. The reason they are listed as dangerous is because they are eventually bound to skewer the Doughboy on one of their switchblades.

Agent Smith-the most dangerous of all. With one index finger planted firmly in the Doughboy's belly, he is able to convert the Oracle's helper into a miniature version of himself…bluntly put, a chibi. This may not seem dangerous, heck, you may even want a chibi version of Agent Smith, but this is from the Doughboy's P.O.V. I don't think that you want someone placing his or her hand in your anatomy and distorting your person.

_**What does the Oracle like to do?**_

Smoking, baking cookies, and disrupting the balance of the Matrix are the three things this program does best. Trying to find a way to raise money for that special item? Why not propose a bake sale? The smell of cookies saturating your home, with chocolate chips practically oozing outta the wall, will bring even the most devoted of dieters to their knees. She's also a fantastic baby-sitter who'll enjoy taking pesky brothers and sisters off your back. Hey, who knew about the influential powers of cookies?

_**How to Maintain the Oracle**_

Ironically enough, the best way to preserve the Oracle is to let her continue the things she likes to do. Yes, that includes smoking. Since she is _very_ low maintenance, you should have no problem keeping her out of harm's way. The only thing you need to watch out for is the steady build up of carbon monoxide within your house. If you really don't want your walls changing funky colors, direct the Oracle outside and let her smoke in peace.

_**In Conclusion**_

We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not the most awesome-est) edition of your family. If you're looking towards expanding your collection, the best one to start out with is Neo. Absolute 100 percent compatibility. The only thing you need to worry about is securing a lock on the cookie jar.

Questions?

Comments?

All shall be placed in that 2 by 6 review box. (yeah, I actually measured it…)

* * *

-

(wipes sweat from brow) whew! Seven months of not updating can really impare one's writing abilities. Oh well, I've typed at least 73 reviews since then. hehe...I tend to get distraced by all those wonderful stories circulating around.

(another penguin walks by)

(Authoress glomps penguins and starts gnawing on leg, demanding something about returning sanity)


	11. The Metallic Squiddy!

Holy flippin' bageezus…yeah that's right, I've updated. This chapter does exist…you are not dreaming; rub those eyes.

Once again, I asked my 8 ball if I owned the matrix. After the result of 'ask after lunch' I shook it again and that blue triangle thing had the audacity to read 'No.' Thing must be defective.

* * *

**_The Owner's Guide to the Sentinel_**

**_A Manual_**

**Congratulations!**

Due to a drastic increase in burglary, you are now an owner of a Sentinel Unit, whether you like it or not. The Government has realized that ordinary alarm systems are inadequate in protecting its citizen's home. Therefore, we have been endowed the task to provide everyone with ample protection. If you do not desire to have a Sentinel, please ship it back to the return address and provide a written statement as to why you have chosen said action. This is to ensure that when your house is broken into and you end up a touch dead and bacteria are doing their little decomposition job that we can say, "hey, it's not like we warned them Mr. Government."

**What Have I Been Sent?**

You have been sent a simple search and destroy unit that resembles a metallic flying squid. Call over those technicians to uninstall your alarm system because this home security is one that actually harms intruders…and not just their auditory system. By harm, we mean 'tear-that-audacious-burglar-to-kibbles-n'-bits-omg-is-that-a-half-a-head!?' Squiddies are quite large; measuring anywhere from twelve to fifteen feet long.

Note: (It has been mandated that we include the grisly details so as to avoid suing…After all, we _are_ a sue happy country.)

Also, your unit comes equipped with the following:

-turtle wax

-cleaning rags

-extra limbs

-that awesome mechanical swoosh sound as it glides by

-special recording device that enables you to see from the squid's point of view. Perfect for seeing the reaction of the victims.

**How to Assemble**:

To ease the financial burden of having to provide thousands of people with a unit, its confinement is that nondescript box you keep nudging with your toe as you read over this. (Don't feel guilty that we caught you; it won't harm the unit inside.) The sentinel comes packed in a durable cardboard box. When unpacking, pull out its 'head' first. It should be obvious what its head is. Hmmm…big round thing with eyes on it, or these long appendages. By golly, I don't even remember my name….Examine the back of the head where all the sockets are located and clear out any packing noodles that may be lodged within. After cleaning, take out the dozen or so tentacles and screw them in. No screw drivers are needed. Only your hand and the knowledge of righty-tighty-lefty-loosey.

(A note on appendages: the extras enclosed are to be used solely as replacements. Do not attempt to modify your unit by attaching the extras into any part of its body that doesn't contain a screw in compartment. Some owners have severely damaged their squiddy by 'screwing' them into its 'face'. You also run the risk of damaging its vital security functions that determines friend from foe.)

**After Assembling**

Once you've assembled your brand new calamari unit that just screams awesomeness, you need to verify yourself and any other family members living under your roof. If you own a member of the Resistance, contrary to what few squid owners believe, your security unit will not 'freak.' It only sees them as another person to protect. What the Resistance members think is totally up to them. Do not kick, punch, or give your unit any indication that you are a threat to it. Just because you verified yourself doesn't endow you with a 'lets kick the squid' free card. One of its methods to identifying friend from foe is the 'who damaged me' function. Lets use little Jimmy as an example (any resemblance to living persons is entirely coincidental)…lil' Jimmy is 2. Lil' Jimmy is nomming on some lamb. He thinks that the Sentinel nearby has the same tendency as a dog to fetch bones. Lil' Jimmy decides to throw said bone. Whoops, Jimmy has some really bad aim and accidently hits the Sentinel, hard. Sentinel cracks an eye. Too bad Jimmy doesn't know he's in for a mouthful of death.

So don't do that.

What you can do is order it (once you've screwed in its final appendage. This activates it) to patrol a specific spot for any length of time. Perfect for those moments when your significant other is over and you don't want your unit to think that he or she is 'wrestling' with you. This option is useful because each Sentinel has a tendency to do something different. Some tend to do their patrolling via ceiling; some don't even go near the ceiling. A few scout only by floor, others you'll see in constant levitation (an internal form of Pad technology?) It has been noted by owners that the ceiling variety are the creepiest. In what way we at the company will never comprehend. It's simply a device doing what it is programmed for.

**What Does My Sentinel Like To Do?**

Since it is a machine and emotions aren't a part of its programming, it doesn't 'like' or 'dislike' anything. Its sole function is to protect, search, and destroy.

**Squiddy Maintenance**

Your unit only needs cleaning if it, uhm, deterred a robber from stealing your stuff. It's ironic that by killing the robbers, it is harming itself. Therefore, cleaning off any blood coating your squid is an absolute necessity as blood is corrosive to the entirety of the unit.

**In Conclusion**

We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not the most efficient security system ever!) To date, no sentinel has been reported of malfunctioning. Of course, a smoking unit equals crazy killer that makes Ebola look pleasant. So if there were any sort of malfunction, we wouldn't know about it. Causes to the malfunction are unknown and are currently being tested in our lab.

**Questions:**

--Does my Sentinel have that red beam thing that pwns metal?

No, we have found that the laser does not help nor hinder the unit in any way. It is irrelevant in protecting and its nothing that the metallic arms can't handle.

--How long is my unit expected to last?

Each unit is certified with a 20 year guarantee.

--What is fatal to my unit?

Electricity

--Can I place my cat on the Sentinel as it flies by?

As long as it weighs less than twenty-five pounds.

--What if I'm in a festive spirit? Is it safe to put a Santa hat on it or will it impede its function?

No, you can even dress it up in that banana dog costume if you wish. Have fun attempting to dress it.

* * *

Read, laugh, and backspace

Read, laugh, and review

Do what you must (I'm rather prone to the backspacing one myself)


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